Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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