She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
