I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
