I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize