Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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