I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
