When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
