remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
