My vagina just recognized that song.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
