I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Buhtt sex?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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