i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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