I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
