I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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