That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
