i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
