maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
