all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
