: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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