I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Someone shattered a urinal.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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