i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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