i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
