Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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