Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
