True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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