No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
