just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
