I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize