No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
