i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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