U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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