Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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