So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
