also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
