I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
