she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Two words: blizzard sex
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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