Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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