I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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