I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
no. you can't hotbox the world.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
