I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You ate ashes out of my bong
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
