My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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