This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
