if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize