JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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