why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
