Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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