I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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