You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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