the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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