alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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