I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
