Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
