I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
