I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I forgot wine drunk hurts
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
