I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
