broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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