I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
