I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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