my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
