You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
