My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
