I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
