It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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