You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
she woke up with a sticky ear
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
