I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
