I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
