The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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