I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
