he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
